Spilling the Tea on K-I-N-K
Trutha tells all about her own kinks and the fundamentals of playing safer
Hey all you kinky cats and kittens! Here we are again – hip hip hooray and happy International TEA day!
As a special treat, I am going to serve and spill a pot full-to-the-brim with piping-hot, nummy and nutritious tea - all about one of my absolute FAVOURITE subjects in the entirety of sexdom: KINK.
Whether you’re a regular kinkster, a curious kinkette or haven’t even considered how kink could be a part of your sex life – Trutha is going to share her 5-cents on her own favourite-fetishes and kink-cravings.
When it comes to sex – as with food, friends and fashun – everyone’s taste is different. Some of us don’t want to delve into the kinky realm at all, and for those who want to dive into the world of kink, there are different levels of engagement and so many avenues to explore! For some, their kink could be putting on a costume and pretending to be a character. For others, it’s consensually tying up your partner (or them tying you up). All the way through to piss-play, foot-play, latex, BDSM, sounding and the list goes on!
Trutha’s number one rule when it comes to kink is don’t yuck anyone’s yum. YOU DO YOU, as long as it’s safe, sane and consensual!
Limits and Boundaries
While kink can be super-hot, super-fun and super-exciting, it also often pushes boundaries. When you’re exploring the magic of kink, one of the most important parts is finding out where your limits are and communicating them to partners. Your limits include what you’re into and exclude things that you are not into, as well as how far you are willing to go with different forms of play. For example, you may LOVE to be (consensually) slapped, but choking is a no-go zone for you.
Remember, it is SO MUCH SEXIER to know what you want, what you don’t want and how much of it you need. Communicating these limits and boundaries your fellow partner(s)-in-kink is so important and incredibly hot – never think of telling someone your needs and no-goes as a turn-off, it’s quite literally the opposite for your aunty Trutha and so many others.
Being empowered to share your desires makes your exploration much more enriching, while ensuring that you are safe. Safety is key in everything sexual and even more so in the kink world. The kink community is famous for having clear, respectful and consensual approaches everything on the menu – I’m sure you know this by now, but 50 Shades is not an accurate representation of kink, no matter how fuckable Jamie Dornan’s mouth is...
Have clear discussions with your partner(s) prior to sex – outline what turns you on and what you do not feel comfortable with. This is not only great foreplay, it also means you are taking responsibility for your own wellbeing. Are you expecting that you'll be using condoms? Make sure you've talked about that first, so you don't have to take the ballgag out of your mouth to bring it up later on! Good communication makes sure there are no grey areas – leaving only a safe, kinky, sexy and fun time. When we’re talking kink, the alternative to good communication is not only uncomfortable and less fun, it can be downright dangerous. As with consent, this is also not just a quick chat in the lead up - it’s essential to continue communicating DURING sex. You can say NO or STOP at any time and that is not “blue-ballsing” or “cock-blocking” anyone – let’s get rid of that guilt-fuelled language. It is ensuring that you are all staying safe, happy, healthy and satisfied.
Safe words are also important. People often joke about using the word ‘Pineapple’, this is tried and true and has worked like a charm for me on various occasions (although, I would probably avoid this word if your kink play involves food). The safe word should be something that is unrelated to the activities that you are engaging in, so that it sends a clear message to your partner to stop what is happening immediately.
Remember, even the most kinky people can get tired and have times when they don’t feel like exploring their limits or fully investing in a fantasy. Not always wanting things to be super-kinky is also important to be honest about – sometimes you just wanna starfish and THAT’S OKAY and can be just as sexy!
Dipping your toes
Kink, just like sex, comes in many flavours and you may want to taste-test and experiment to find out what you like and establish your boundaries. The wonderful thing about being tempted by the kink-side in 2020, is that there is a veritable, virtual smorgasbord of kinky content that’s found its home on the little-old world-wide-web. Research with gay abandon and feast your eyes upon all the kinky offerings porn has in store and see what gets you tingling or doing the kombucha girl double-take. Remember – not all kinky content on the web is following the safe, sane and consensual fundamentals, so be a little careful with what you’re consuming and keep in mind those three words when forming your own fantasies and planning sexy scenes. It’s also important to remember that, just because you saw it in porn, doesn’t mean you can just do it in real life without discussing and planning with your partner(s).
Another entree into the world of kink is to try starting with some toys – nipple clamps, gags, portable sex swings, double-ended dildos, and more – these can be fun to start exploring your fantasies and boundaries without as much of the psychological side of kink or heavier play styles. Something to remember when buying toys for the first time is to invest in toy cleaner. No one wants a toy-related infection. Make sure, if you are sharing toys, to clean them before switching users and, if it’s insertive, consider using condoms to prevent STI-transmission.
Sub/Dom play is probably the most commonly explored form of kink. This is where a partner(s) assumes the role of the Sub (submissive or servant) and the other partner(s) take on the role of the Dom (dominant or master). The Sub’s role is to succumb to the wishes or commands of the Dom. A word to the wise, whether you favour either role more than the other, try and learn what it takes to perform both of them – the best Subs know what makes a good Dom and visa versa. Believe me, being a bratty Sub who knows exactly how they’d punish themselves is a sexy inspiration to whoever’s domming.
As with all kink, and especially with any type of power-play (where you give or take control), this needs to be negotiation (see limits and boundaries again). What’s also fun, is that it doesn’t matter what sexual ‘position’ you prefer – you can be a Dom-Bottom, a Sub-Top, Sub-Bottom or Dom-Top. I find the swapping of power-dynamics and positions throughout sex the most fun! #trueversqueen.
Taking it a little deeper
Remember, kink isn’t about always levelling-up the kinkiness of your play – but, if you do want to go a little deeper down the rabbit hole my Alices - you may want to pursue slightly heavier thrills. This may include more serious role-play, rope play (shibari), body part or fluid fetishisation and more!
Moving into more varieties of kink – if you have a trusting relationship with your sexual partners, you may enjoy the sensations of foot-play or piss-play. Foot play is sexual arousal using the feet - this could mean being jerked off by your partner’s feet, having a foot placed in your mouth and/or licking toes and feet. It’s nice to be courteous and make sure your feet are clean before doing this. However, sometimes part of the kink is licking a sweaty foot. Again, yums are not to be yucked – a reminder that kink is different for everyone.
On this note, I once found the notion of piss-play quite intimidating, but it wasn’t until a blowjob in the shower turned into a golden shower that I realised how much I LOVED being pissed on. This can be a highly erotic power-play experience and, in my opinion, one of the most intimate acts you can perform with someone. There’s something wonderful about getting on your knees in front of your Dom-Top, looking them directly in the eye, the shower water glistening over their body, and begging them to piss all over you. Who needs 24 carats when you can have a whole shower of gold instead? Another interesting fact about piss-play is that urine is 95% water, sterile and not a route of transmission for HIV, so in the short-term it’s safe to drink. This means if you are open to swallowing your partner’s piss, then go ahead and open wide. If this is the kink for you, make sure you drink plenty of water to ensure a consistent stream. Just remember, it’s probably not the best idea to bottle the urine and drink it with your morning coffee – Trutha ain’t no doctor and that’s the tea.
Another one of my faves is fisting. This is a fun one to explore, both as the fister and the fistee. Some precautionary words – to do this safely and with the highest levels of comfort, you should use gloves, have blunt nails and use plenty of lube – water-based or silicone-based are best for condoms and gloves, but if you are going gloveless you might want to think about oil-based lube or even using Crisco for your fisto. You literally have a five-step programme that can lead you to success with you your fist buddies (I’m talking about your phalanges folks – or should I say FISTlanges? 😉 hehe). This means you can take the journey from 1-finger, 2-finger, 3-finger, 4-finger to fist. Allowing your sphincter muscles to get used to the girth gradually, coaxing them into a state of relaxation as you increase the number of digits inside you or your partner. I always recommend that once you have three fingers in there, stretch the hole a little wider and pump more lube in to reduce the chance of drying up and tearing (no thank you!). I also find that once the thumb is in, the biggest hurdle is the knuckles, which means hand formation is important to allow ease of access – try a cone shape with the fingers tucked neatly together and only ball your fist back up (carefully!) once fully inside. Experienced kinksters may be taking clenched fists upon entry – but please don’t try this a fi(r)st-timer!
This has only scratched the surface of the amazing and wonderful world of kink and fetish play. Other things you may want to Google in your spare time are pup-play, mask-play, bondage, latex-play and - if it doesn’t make you wince at the thought - sounding (specifically research how to practice this safely). The list goes on really! No matter what you’re into, you are valid, you are enough and you are a sex-god/dess.
Until next time, darlings – stay safe, stay classy.