As a polyamorous woman living with my two male partners, what’s a fantasy for so many is just my day-to-day reality. After hearing all the big ‘but how does it actually work?’ questions from people new to or curious about MMF, I figured it would be greedy to keep what I’ve learned to myself - so here I am, sharing what I know and guiding you through it, tuakana–teina style.

But first:

This is just my experience. I am a pākehā, cisgender woman who lives a pretty cushy life. There are lots of cultural nuances that I might not know about. Please don’t take this blog post as gospel!

Stay safe, whānau! I don’t really talk much about contraception or protection from STIs including HIV. There is so much on this website about that (like here, and here, and here - oh, and here). I’m gonna stick to my lane!

These labels can be useful in differentiating the dynamics of a “one woman, multiple men” group encounter:

• MMF usually describes an encounter where at least one of the men has a sexual and/or romantic interest in both the man and the woman in the encounter.
• MFM tends to refer to an encounter where both men are sexually and/or romantically interested in the woman, with little to no interaction between the two men.
• A Gang Bang generally means a scenario where one person is fucked by more than one man, one after another. Any interactions between the men are irrelevant.

These terms tend to get used a lot in porn, sex work and dating apps to help people easily find what they are looking for. In reality, every group encounter will have a different dynamic depending on the sexualities, genders and bodies of the people involved. For that reason, these labels have limits to their usefulness. In particular, the language tends to exclude trans, non-binary and intersex folk, so use with care!

Group sex dynamics are more than the sum of individual connections between people. You also need to consider the group as a whole. Because of these dynamics, group sex will always require more communication than coupled sex - that’s just maths!

The same way it might feel awkward the first time you bang a new person, a new group dynamic can feel a little fumbly too. Don’t panic! You might need some more time to get to know each other, or maybe that dynamic just isn’t right for you. What I can say is that with the right connections, it can be an experience that melts your mind.

Dating and sex can be an administrative nightmare for anyone. Add more people in the mix, and you’re going to need a scheduling assistant for sure! Many people spend years looking for the right person to sleep with - let alone two. But don’t let that put you off. I am living proof that it can happen for you. If you’re optimising for efficiency, there are also bisexual male sex workers who you can pay to show up for you.

Remember, though, that no one owes you this sexual encounter. Everyone in the dynamic deserves to go into it, and come out of it, with their mana intact. That also means you have a responsibility to tell people what you want out of an encounter, even if it feels like an admin buzz kill.

If you’re really optimising for the feeling of spontaneity, you might want to focus on developing enough trust with just one guy and then tasking him with finding number two. If you trust him enough to communicate your wishes and find you a third that’s down for the ride, that might help get you out of the funk of having to do all the admin yourself.

Group sex can teach you so much about what you want out of all your sexual encounters - those feelings of freedom, safety, and fun. You’ll find there’s a contradiction in our search for intimacy and excitement because we need both safety and novelty to be aroused.

You could take a leaf out of the kink world and explore how much of this spontaneity can be part of a “scene” for you. You’ll need to prepare by figuring out what everyone needs to feel safe enough, and then introduce sensations of spontaneity through role play. You can find ways of communicating that allow you to remain in the fantasy. Importantly, you’ll want to take care of each other afterwards.

Asking what people want and checking in on each other helps to make sure no one feels rejected or ignored. This doesn’t have to be a serious, sit-down conversation. It can happen in the moment - people might be more or less involved at different times. You might want to take a break or just watch for a while. Personally, I also find a little cuddle goes a long way in grounding ourselves once we’re done.

If you’re in an established partnership it’s important to recognise the power and privilege you bring to an encounter. This privilege isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Some unicorns can feel really held in an established dynamic. But gone unchecked, couples’ privilege can leave a third feeling outcast and alone.

When I play with my partner and his long-distance boyfriend, I find it helps for us to spend some time together outside of our sexy-times first. Not only does it mean that I can develop some non-sexual intimacy with him (which helps me relax), but it also gives my partner a chance to reconnect with his lover, too.

As the hetero pairing in the dynamic, there’s an added layer of privilege. It’s easy to fall into the “default” settings of what sex can look like. One of the beautiful things about queer sex is that you get to define sex for yourself. Playing in a queer group dynamic can really challenge the way you think about sex and what it’s “meant” to look like.

This truly is the dream! I’ve been lucky because most of my group encounters have involved folks under the bisexual umbrella. But even when you don’t identify that way, everyone deserves to feel respected. As long as expectations and communication are clear, any dynamic has the potential to bring you this kind of joy. It won’t always happen on the first try, but I encourage you to go out and play, gurl!