Orgies and gang bangs and bukkake, oh my!

Group sex can be both incredibly hot and rewarding but also intimidating and nerve-wracking, even if you’ve done it before. Will you know who’ll be there? What if you’re not into someone? How does it start? And what if your ex is there...?

To answer all your burning questions, we spoke to a few group sex aficionados who imparted a ton of wisdom. Whether you’re curious about getting jizzed on by a bunch of randoms, or whether you regularly organise play parties and want to level up your hosting game, this one’s for you.

Note: While this article includes terms like ‘sex’, ‘tops', and ‘bottoms’, this blog is for anyone, regardless of how you choose to have sex (including non-penetrative sex).

First, some definitions

There isn’t a universal definition of ‘group sex’, but it’s generally accepted that group sex must include:

• 5 or more people (some people say 4, but that’s contestable – we would call that a foursome), and;
• A degree of cross-couple contact i.e. not just a few couples only fucking one another.

Within the broad spectrum of group sex, there are a bunch of different types – but also a lot of crossover between them (if you want to skip this and go straight to the meat of the article, click here):

Setting expectations

For organisers

If you are the organiser of any kind of group sex event, setting expectations is really important; a lot of the people you invite might be nervous, even if they don’t show it. You might be nervous yourself! Think about the experience you’d like yourself and participants to receive, and what you can do to alleviate any fears or concerns to ensure a pleasurable experience for everyone involved.

If it’s a planned event, a great way to set and discuss expectations is via a group chat. This can be done on any number of dating apps, social media platforms, or other apps such as WhatsApp, Signal and Kik. This helps with:

• Transparency in who will be attending;
• Discussion of any kinks / fantasies that folks would like to experiment with;
• Discussion around HIV and STI prevention – for people living with HIV, this could be a discussion about status and U=U;
• Communication about rules and logistics without needing to repeat yourself.

If you decide to create a group chat, make sure to get consent from everyone involved first. No one wants to be invited to a group chat without being asked, especially if sex is involved.

If the group sex is unplanned, make a point of discussing things in person at the start; this might not feel very sexy, but on the contrary, it’s a way for everyone to feel as comfortable as possible, and sex is always better when everyone is relaxed and at ease.

For participants

It’s equally important for participants to feel empowered to communicate any expectations up front, either in a group chat if this is set up by the host, or in person before sex begins. If the host doesn’t make space for this, don’t feel like you can’t do it yourself – other participants will no doubt thank you for it later, and it’ll be a good lesson for your host for any future group sex they organize.

Rules

For organisers

Not all group sex needs to have set rules, but it’s a good idea to have a think about some all the same. These could be related to:

• Anonymity;
• Alcohol and substance use;
• Personal hygiene / douching;
• HIV and STI prevention methods;
• Locations for / not for sex;
• Taking photos and videos;
• Consent.

You don’t need to make a big thing out of it, but the act of setting rules can relieve any concerns that people might not be comfortable voicing.

For participants

Make sure you abide by any rules that are set by the host. If there are rules that you don’t agree with, you can either have that conversation with the host or decide not to participate. For example, if you’d rather a drug-free environment but not everyone is on board with that, you have the choice to not participate.

Logistics

Numbers

This might sound obvious, but it’s useful for the host to know roughly how many people they’re expecting, to ensure the venue is large enough, and simply to set expectations with other attendees; if someone is only expecting a handful of people, coming into an apartment with fifty people fucking will likely be a surprise. It might be a pleasant surprise, but it’s always safer to know these things in advance.

Also consider whether people can invite plus-ones, and what this will mean for overall numbers. We would advise having a consistent approach on this for everyone.

Start and end time

Is this a ‘come and go as you please’ type affair, or is there a set start and end time? If people are coming and going, will they have access to the venue without needing someone to hear a knock or a doorbell? Are they coming in expecting that people might already be having sex? Again, it goes back to the experience people are having; comfortable sex is good sex!

Location

Make sure you have full consent of anyone who owns / rents the space you’d like to use. If it’s your own whare, great, that’s sorted. But if you’re using a friend’s space, or if its impromptu, make sure you’re not putting anyone out. For example, if you have flatmates, make sure they’re aware - or at least, make sure to let them know not to come back before a certain time.

If you’re using a hire space such as an Airbnb or hotel room, you don’t need to let the owner know, however make sure to follow all rules when it comes to noise volume and cleaning.

Kai

This isn’t required, of course, but it’s a nice touch! Even if it’s just a few bowls of chips and dip dotted about the place, not only is this great for sustenance throughout the event, but it’s a great way of signaling that people are welcome. What’s a party without snacks?

Most people wouldn’t expect you to provide alcoholic drinks, but water and non-alcoholics can also be useful, particularly if people are under the influence; they may need to sober up a bit or keep hydrated if on drugs.

Temperature

It’s useful to have access to heaters and air conditioners (or heat pumps that can do both), as the temperature during group sex can vary a lot. If people get into their underwear (or naked) straight away things might start a little cool, and then quickly heat up as things, ah, well, heat up.

Break-out space

If the sex goes on for a long time, people are going to need a break. In fact, breaks between sex can be a really fulfilling part of the experience because sex can make people super vulnerable and open! Make sure there is a dedicated place – away from the sex – where people can chill out if they need to. This is also useful if alcohol and other substances are involved. Consider making this a low sensory environment for added comfort.

Clean toys after use

If there are communal toys for use, it’s best practice to wash them after each use – that way, the next person knows that they are safe to be used.

Etiquette

HIV and STI prevention

This will be dependent on what your rules are (if you have any). For example, it might be that you decide that it’s a condoms-only event. If that’s the case, consider if you’re happy to provide condoms or if you’d like people to bring their own. If you’re ok with people choosing their own form of prevention, make sure this is understood and encourage conversations about PrEP use in communication with attendees to ensure that everyone is on the same page, and no one is going in without knowing exactly how they’re staying safe.

There may be people living with HIV in a group sex environment – make sure you understand the concept of U=U to ensure you don’t inadvertently contribute to any HIV stigma and discrimination.

Personal hygiene

Whether or not the host has communicated a specific rule about this, it’s always a good idea to come freshly showered. If it’s an unplanned or impromptu affair, there’s still nothing stopping you from at least having a little whore’s bath in the bathroom – some people may like your natural musk, but it’s safer not to assume. You can always let it build up again in the heat of the moment.  

Consent

You may not be attracted to every single person you encounter during group sex, and they may not be attracted to you. Being in a group sex environment means that sometimes lines can be blurred, but that is no excuse not to take responsibility for yourself and your behaviour. If someone you’re interested hasn’t given you explicit permission to engage with them, do not engage. 

Explicit permission should be verbal; it’s really easy to misinterpret intense or charged eye-contact with lust, when in reality the person may just feeling trapped and not feeling able to say no. Where possible, ask ahead of time. If you’re in a fluid physical/sexual situation and you find yourself engaging with someone unexpectedly, take the first available opportunity to ask them ‘is this ok’ or something similar. If they say no, or don’t respond, stop what you’re doing immediately. If they want it, they’ll come back to you when they’re ready.

If you’re in a group sex situation and you’re not interested in someone, be aware that you may need to be more explicit in saying no than normal. You can’t always guarantee that the person you’re with has a good understanding of consent, so the clearer you can be with them the better. It might lead to an awkward few moments, but that won’t last – and remember, you’re not responsible for how someone reacts, only for your own actions. If they get weird about it, that’s on them.

Confidentiality

Not everyone is going to have the same level of comfort around being involved in group sex. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, whether you’re getting your phone out to film something in the moment*, or if you’re talking about it with friends afterwards.

* Videos and photos may be ok, but only if you have express consent from everyone in shot. Make sure those who don’t want to be in shot feel reassured that they won’t be – a great way to manage this is by having spaces that are mobile phone-free.

Don’t overstay your welcome

If the group sex has an end time that has been communicated, be respectful of this. Your host might have any early shift at work the next day, and probably won’t take kindly to randoms continuing to fuck in the corner when they’re trying to go to bed. You can always take them back to your place for afters.

If there isn’t a set end date, read the room – take moments during sex to poke your head above the melee and if it looks like things are dying down, consider when you’re going to wrap things up.

Help with the clean-up if you can

The host may prefer to do this themselves, but if you’re one of the last people there, it’s always nice to offer a hand in the clean-up.