We hear a lot these days about how to be good allies to our trans whānau.

With everything going on at home and abroad, there’s never been a greater need to get behind your trans, nonbinary & irawhiti friends. But what about getting under us? What about getting on top?

This February the Counting Ourselves report outlined the most pressing needs facing trans & nonbinary people in Aotearoa. Informed by Prof. Elizabeth Kerekere’s Te Whare Takatāpui model for queer health & wellbeing, the report framed its recommendations for trans support according to the values of whakapapa, wairua, mauri, mana, tapu & tikanga.

Unsurprisingly, the focus is on human rights like housing, healthcare & income, as well as protections from violence, discrimination & conversion practices.

I'm going to touch on none of these.

Because, honestly? Being trans can be exhausting. Having to fight constantly for our basic human rights, it’s easy to lose sight of the joy at the centre of the trans experience.

A wise woman once said ‘pleasure is a right!' So while it’s vital to stand up for trans rights, it’s just as important to lay down for them, or squat over them, or what’s that one when his legs are up and- but I digress…

Be a real ally in 2025 and help a trans hottie blow off some steam, the steamiest way you can.

Here to help you (and just as importantly, your trans & nonbinary sexual partners) are my top tips for demonstrating trans allyship in the bedroom.

Couple things...

First the foreplay. Let’s get on the same page about a few things before we dive in!

1. I’m not telling you to fuck trans people.

We’re talking here about how to approach trans & nonbinary partners with respect when you do want to hook up with us. I’m not telling anyone that they have to.

Contrary to popular belief among wizarding authors, trans folk aren’t out here trying to force or trick anyone into fucking us who’s not into it. Who you choose to sleep with is one of the most personal decisions you can make, and we’re not in the business of policing it. More on this later…

2. We’re not getting into chasers today.

There’s another whole blog we could write about trans chasers and the fetishisation of trans people’s bodies in dating & sexual environments. We’re not opening up that particular pandora’s box in this piece, but check out Them’s Trans Women Agree to Disagree on Dating for some beautiful open-minded discussion on that subject and more.

3. This is one trans person’s opinion.

There are as many ways to be trans as there are trans people in the world. What feels inclusive, respectful and sexy for one isn’t going to be universal, much as it isn’t for every cis person.

Consider these tips one person’s truth, and remember that consent and communication are key to finding out what feels good for any new partner, cis, trans or anywhere in between!

Okay that’s that out of the way. Let’s jump in, shall we?

Gender, Sex & Sexuality 101

Now of course we have to start with a quick 101 on the intersection of gender, sex & sexuality.

Because some people are still out here in 2025 thinking <insert sexual orientation> <insert gender identity> can’t be attracted to trans people, and that’s a little outdated.

🎓 Lesson 1: Gender ≠ Sex*

For any stragglers out there, someone’s gender identity is separate from the sex they were assigned at birth. Girls can have dicks. Guys can have boobs. Intersex people exist. Get into it.

🎓 Lesson 2: Sexuality is a spectrum

I know it’s a cliche at this point, but here it’s worth reiterating.

For some people, sexual attraction is primarily about a partner’s gender presentation. For others, it’s more about the equipment they’re working with. For some it’s a mix of both, or fluid depending on the person.

Not to mention, some people’s sexual attractions are divorced entirely from a partner’s physical body! We don’t even have the time to open that can of (would-you-still-love-me-if-I-was-a) worm(s).

For example, one gay guy might be attracted to masc-presenting people regardless of their genitals, so he could feel quite comfortable hooking up with a trans masc partner with a vagina. Another gay guy might be attracted to people with dicks, regardless of their gender, and would be comfortable hooking up with a trans fem partner with a penis.

Both are valid, and anyone trying to tell you that you have to be attracted to a certain person or category of people to identify a certain way is missing the point.

As a trans person who’s experienced good and bad sex with cis people, I can tell you for free if you’re not entirely comfortable getting down with a trans person, I’d rather you told me that straight up. Nothing worse than worrying you’ll hurt my feelings or get “cancelled” and ending up wasting my time with a disappointing shag or failure to launch.

The important thing is to be mindful of these nuances in your own sexuality, so you can communicate clearly and respectfully in a way that affirms your partner’s lived experience.

✏️ Exercise A: Let me down easy

Let’s imagine you’ve been chatting up a hot guy on Grindr, but you’re no longer interested in meeting up when you learn his dick is detachable. Just say that.

Not “Sorry dude, I’m gay 😂“, like that automatically explains your individual sexual preference, but something like “Ah sorry man, I’m not into 🐱 but hope you find what you’re looking for”.

See how being just a little more specific avoids othering someone or triggering their gender dysphoria? How easy is that!

If in doubt, try your best. Just don’t ghost someone when they’ve shared their album…

✏️ Exercise B: Check your assumptions

At the same time, try not to assume what role someone might play in the bedroom based on their genitals, or what positions or kinds of sex might be possible with a trans partner.

Maybe she’s got a dick, but it’s staying tucked tonight.

Maybe he doesn’t, but loves to strap.

The possibilities are endless when it comes to sex with trans people, so keep an open mind to all the fun you might have together 😏

Preparing yourself

So you’ve passed your gender education with flying colours (pastel pink, blue & white, of course). Now you’re ready to chat up a trans hottie. Right?

Wrong! (…come on, you knew that was coming).

The first conversation you should have when hitting up a trans partner is actually with yourself.

As queer people it’s easy to imagine we’re socially evolved; that we’ve done the work to recognise our truest selves and have nothing left to learn. But if your trans partner is bringing something new to the bedroom for you, there’s every chance that kissing a girl again, or trying to find a clitoris for the first time, could challenge your comfort levels or personal sense of identity.

That’s perfectly natural, and nothing to be ashamed of.

Just make sure you take the time to ask yourself those questions, or talk to a friend about it, before barreling into your first experience, so you’re not expecting your trans partner to do that work for you.

Communicating with your partner is important too, don’t get me wrong. But the more you can do upfront to check in with yourself, the more space you create to prioritise pleasure with your partner, instead of making your insecurities their problem, or turning your hook-up into a therapy session.

Flirtation with affirmation

Okay, NOW you’re ready. Which brings us to every well-intentioned cis person’s favourite question:

"But what if I say the wrong thing?"

You may have been led to believe all trans people are fragile or overly defensive about language. And don’t get it twisted, I'll defend any trans person's right to demand the language that respects their humanity and gender identity. Nothing kills a finely crafted chat-up line like a misplaced pronoun, believe me.

But, speaking as one (occasionally rather horny) trans person, it’s amazing the benefit-of-the-doubt I’m prepared to offer a cis person with good and sexy intentions.

Never hurts your chances to be a straight-up hottie either, but I’m getting off track…

The most important thing is to try your best to be mindful of your language, so your positive intentions shine through even if you do make a mistake.

We’ve written before about paying attention to someone’s pronouns when you’re hooking up with a new partner, which is essential reading before you hit up a trans hottie online (or anyone, really…)

But when it comes to sex, it might surprise you how much gendered language we can slip in without really thinking about it. Being mindful of it is a great way to create a safe environment for your partner.

There’s the obvious ones, like “daddy” and “king”, “good girl” or “bad boy”. But there’s loads more language we use to compliment someone’s body that’s implicitly gendered too. Maybe you’d default to “Hey handsome”, where someone might prefer to be called “pretty”.

If in doubt, you can always stick to gender neutral language until you get your partner in a room, then invite them to tell you the kind of language that turns them on.

Try to be mindful too of the gendered language we inherit through culture, that might be perfectly appropriate in some contexts, but carry a different weight for someone with a different experience of body and gender.

Who could forget Victoria Scone educating the queens of Canada’s Drag Race about the misogynistic connotations of the term “fishy” for people with vaginas?

What’s that? Everyone did? And they continue to use the term with gay abandon on every other Drag Race franchise? Well, whatever. You get my point…

Another example is the colloquial use of feminising language among gay guys as terms of endearment.

“Hey gurl!”

“Oh, she’s feeling herself!”

“The girls are fighting!”

While this type of language is totally innocent and generally suggests nothing about a guy’s actual gender presentation or identity, be mindful if you’re addressing a trans guy that he may well have spent a lifetime trying to escape feminising pronouns. That’s exactly the kind of thing that could trigger his gender dysphoria and take him out of the moment.

Finally, as with any marginalised community, there’s a whole host of words to define trans people that originate from discriminatory transphobic language, which some trans people feel empowered to reappropriate in some contexts.

Here’s my golden rule: If you’re cis, don’t.

You know the big one. It starts with a T and rhymes with “granny”.

As a trans person, I’m not gonna sit here and pretend there’s absolutely no circumstance where I want to be called the t-slur by a sexual partner, but unless I’ve given you explicit permission, you can get fucked. And I don’t mean by this trans dick.

Body language

Which leads us neatly on to body parts… (almost like I planned it).

So, you’ve got your trans partner into a room, you’ve flirted up a storm and things are going well. Talking turns to kissing, and suddenly clothes are coming off. Now what?

The first thing to remember is that, as with all sex, not everything is on the table by default.

That’s true for any sexual partner, but especially for trans people, who tend to have a very different relationship with our primary and secondary sex characteristics than your average cis person enjoys.

The key to success here is following your partner’s lead. Pay attention to where on their body they’re directing your focus, and what language they’re using to describe it. What clothing and underwear are they comfortable removing? What would they like to keep on?

Remember that what feels affirming will be different for every person. One trans girl might be perfectly at home with her penis, while it could be a source of dysphoria for another. Other trans girls might not have a penis at all.

Hell, even the word ‘penis’ can take some people out. Maybe they’d prefer less clinical language like ‘dick’ or ‘cock’, or maybe that feels masculinising and gross. Does your trans masc partner call it their ‘clit’ or their ‘t-dick’?

How am I supposed to know??

Fear not, dear reader! I’m gonna let you in on my top tip, and it’s called ✨ Body Mapping as Foreplay ✨

Also called ‘Pleasure Mapping’, this is the exercise of showing your partner, with their hands or your own, the different parts of your body that bring you pleasure, and how you like them to be touched (if at all).

With a trans partner, introducing the terms they use for their body parts as they move through them with you can be a great way to learn what’s affirming for them in a sexy way that keeps the momentum going, rather than awkwardly stopping to ask questions and take notes while the energy in the room dissipates.

Okay, look at you go! I’m about ready to give y’all some privacy…

Just one more thing before I leave you to it 😏

Getting hormonal

As we all know, not every trans person chooses to medically transition, and our validity as trans people isn’t determined by any prescription.

But, since some trans people do undertake masculinising or feminising hormone treatment to better align our physical form with our truest selves, here’s a few things to consider when you’re getting H-R-T-T-O-G-O.

• erection 🍆 t-blockers can be a killer for some trans fem people with dicks, so try to take the pressure off and remember there’s plenty of other ways to have fun if penile penetration is off the table.

• orgasm 🎉 same issue. Not every trans fem partner can achieve orgasm on feminising hormone treatment. NOT an excuse not to try, but follow their lead to maximise pleasure vs. putting pressure on the finish line.

• lube 💦 masculinising hormone treatment can interfere with the vagina’s production of natural lubrication, and make vaginal tissue more vulnerable to tearing or abrasions, which heightens the risk of transmission for HIV & STIs. Make sure to use plenty of lube, especially if nature’s not on your side.

• fertility🫃while the likelihood of pregnancy is lower with a trans partner under the effects of hormone treatment, miracles happen every day! So if you’re not sure about your partner’s birth control situation, barrier methods like condoms are your best friend.

• libido 😈 remember how horny all the teenage guys got all of a sudden in high school? Some trans mascs are experiencing that hormonal change right now as adults. By contrast, trans fem libido can drop off a cliff on HRT. So be mindful that you and your partner may experience incompatible levels of sexual appetite, which makes establishing enthusiastic consent all the more important!

Well, I don’t know about y’all, but I’m getting a little hot & steamy writing this, so I’m just about ready to open the apps and find me a local trans ally…

Until next time, trans rights are human rights. And remember, if in doubt, ask your partner!