Note: This blog takes a deeper dive into the world of CNC – so if you haven’t read our intro to the topic, you might want to read that first to make sure you’re on the same page when it comes to knowing what we are referring to.

CNC (consensual non-consent) is a controversial topic. However, we always aim to center people’s autonomy over their own sex lives in our mahi; some people want to engage with CNC, and we want to help people stay safe by providing information and tools so people can make informed decisions about their own sex lives.

So, if CNC is something you’re into, or even if you just find the topic interesting, we hope that this blog enables you to do so.

What is CNC?

This is covered in more detail in our intro blog, but if you just need a quick refresher:

Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) is a dynamic of Domination/submission kink play where mutual and enthusiastic consent is given by all parties in advance, with specific conditions and rules, so they can safely and consensually play out scenes that mimic non-consensual behavior.

CNC is not rape, rape play (it’s more all-encompassing), a bit of rough and tumble, or sexual sadism disorder, and the word ‘consensual’ is key.

Controversy and misconceptions

CNC is controversial because it plays so directly with power. It opens up a lot of important questions: how can you know if people really like this? In a society with so many messed up power dynamics, is it possible for this kind of play to ever be truly consensual? There’s also the inherent potential for it to be triggering. However, the main criticisms I could find can all be mitigated or argued:

• CNC makes light of actual sexual assault or trauma: This minimizes the experience of many survivors who find CNC helpful in working through trauma. While the perspective is valid for survivors who don’t want to engage with CNC, the good news is that they don’t need to!
• It’s possible to overstep boundaries, when not managed effectively: This is the same with most, if not all, kink and fetish play. However, it is important to acknowledge that power imbalances between individuals can make it easier for CNC to be abused. Ultimately, the more informed you are about the topic, the easier it is to be aware of when this might be happening.
• CNC is one-sided, with the Dom having more power: This is a misconception - CNC should always be intended to be mutually enjoyable for both/all people involved.
• CNC is not a viable legal defense: This is a grey area – having clear and documented rules and boundaries can absolutely help with this, though given the circumstances that lead to a criminal charge may not be provable, it may be impossible to prove whether or not the circumstances were a violation of CNC rules, and it will be highly dependent on personal attitudes of those involved in the case. It should go without saying that if this is even remotely a concern for you, you probably should not be doing whatever is making you consider criminal charges to be a possible outcome.

Effects on the body, and how this impacts consent

CNC is sometimes described as an ‘extreme sport’ in the context of sex, and it does have a very similar physiological impact, which can have flow on effects to behaviour. It’s important to be aware of this because any effect on behaviour may affect peoples’ willingness and ability to give and remove consent.

Even though CNC scenes are consented to and pre-arranged, it’s very common for the sub, in particular, to feel fear, as it’s a neurological response that doesn’t know or care whether there was consent or not. A genuine feeling of fear is sometimes precisely the emotion people are seeking when playing with CNC. Fear releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Your heart rate and blood pressure increases. You start breathing faster. Blood is pumped to your extremities so you can physically react more efficiently.

These hormones activate the sympathetic nervous system, which in turn triggers our ‘fight or flight’ response, though it’s more accurately known nowadays as ‘fight, flight, freeze, or fawn':

In many CNC scenes, ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ is expected and discussed prior, as the physical struggle is part of the eroticism. However, it’s important to know that when the sympathetic nervous system is active, you may be stronger, more coordinated, and faster than usual, and this can cause unexpected injuries if your Dom isn’t prepared. This may be hot in the moment, but you should consider the post-sex impacts.

‘Fawn’ may not impact things as much, though this response may be the antithesis of what you’re both wanting. However, ‘Freeze’ is one to watch out for. When a sub freezes, they may be unable to withdraw consent either with a safe word or with a pre-determined physical cue. This may be very difficult for a Dom to pick up on, so it may be worth defining any verbal or physical shutdowns as a trigger for a time-out.

Doms can also be subject to some of these physiological responses. While this may not have the same level of risk, given their sexual role, it’s important to recognize that they may also be affected, particularly from a psychological perspective.

Another thing to be mindful of is any medical conditions that you or a partner might have. For example, if you have low blood pressure or blood sugar levels, you may react unexpectedly, which can be quite scary.

Mitigating risk when engaging with CNC

With all that said, you may be curious about whether CNC is for you. Well, look no further! Here are some key things to think about, from a sexual, physical, mental, and legal perspective:

• Don’t be tempted to look to porn for inspiration, as it doesn’t always highlight setting up the process in a way that is ethical and safe for people.
• Start slow, before diving into the deep end – you could experiment with bratting or other forms of gentle verbal or physical resistance like spanking or slapping and see how that makes you feel before planning out an entire scene.
• Agreeing upon a safe word is one popular method to employ when participating in new or kinky sexual activities, so anyone can decide to stop at any time.
• It's always a good idea to discuss the mental state of all parties involved before getting start, especially if drugs and/or alcohol are involved.
• Communicate, communicate, communicate:
  • Before: Discuss boundaries, what scenario you’d like to try, set an after-care plan, determine hard and soft limits, or a yes/no/maybe list (spreadsheets are hot), and familiarize yourselves with various safety frameworks like RACK.
  • During: Unlike other sexual activities, CNC typically doesn’t require consent to be communicated throughout the process because it’s been pre-arranged. However, any verbal or physical cues that trigger a slow-down or stop should be understood and respected.
  • After: Honouring your after-care plan (see the following section) is essential but be aware that any party may feel differently to what’s expected, and this may change what aftercare looks like. Go easy on yourself and each other.

• Some things you might want to consider for a yes/no/maybe list are:
  • Condoms (with a discussion around other prevention methods)
  • Use of lubricant
  • Bondage
  • Sex toys
  • Spanking, choking, pinching, squeezing, slapping, biting, punching etc
  • Penetration
  • No-go zones (also called ‘hard limits’)
  • Communication styles
  • Painful restraints
  • Tearing clothing
  • Leaving physical marks
• Note - some forms of BDSM require specialist skills to ensure they're performed correctly, such as bondage, choking, and the use of painful restraints. Checking for education should be part of the consent process.
• Practical concerns such as the beginning and the end of the scene are especially important with CNC. Entering a room, donning a costume, or using a certain word can all begin the scene. What will mark the end of the session if no one uses their safe word?
  
• Physical risks can include cuts, abrasions, chafing, bruises, burns, dehydration, exhaustion, broken bones, or even death (especially anything related to breath play). Make sure you engage in some level of common sense here; some incidental injuries that heal quickly are vastly different to outcomes that take months of recovery, or are permanent. The level of trust, planning, and communication needed BEFORE even considering engaging in a scene is directly proportional to the potential risks involved (both physical and mental).
• Be mindful that engaging with any obvious CNC in public (with other people potentially or actually around) is inherently unethical, as you are non-consensually involving random people your sex scene. Engaging with CNC outside a private space (such as an abandoned field with no one else around) is still pretty risky, as someone may come across what looks like forced sex or a kidnapping and call the police, be incredibly traumatised, and/or personally intervene.
• If someone is gagged, you need to make sure your gagged partner can still communicate their safe word in other ways if they are restricted from speaking clearly.
  

Aftercare

This is the practice of debriefing and taking care of one another post-scene and is a key part of any kink play. It’s important to note that not everyone does this – one person I spoke to said they preferred not to as, for them, it takes away from the authenticity of the experience. But in general, its good practice, especially for beginners.

Aftercare is one of those things where the person with the need gets the final say: if someone needs aftercare but you don’t want to give it because it ‘ruins the fantasy,’ do it anyway or you’re being an asshole. Even if you have mutually agreed beforehand to not engage in aftercare as part of your scene, it’s essential to remember that consent is mutual and ongoing: if someone ends up having a need for care they didn’t anticipate, adapt your expectations/scene and provide that care. People’s safety and happiness is more important than sticking to the pre-determined guidelines for the scene.

Aftercare is important and helpful regardless of sexual position – though Doms and subs will likely have different needs.

Be aware that you may experience a comedown after the adrenaline of a CNC scene, and it might be different to your usual Dom-or sub-drop (if you’ve experienced one in other kink play). You may replay your behaviour in your mind, or judge how well you performed, or worry about what the CNC scene means for you and your personal values. This is all completely normal.

Shame and stigma

During the aftercare, or at any other time, you may feel shame about your engagement with CNC. It’s very important to remember that, unless it’s because of violating any established boundaries or consent (in which case, the shame should be appropriately worked through), this shame is a direct result of the stigma that surrounds kink play in general, and the more ‘extreme’ the kink, the more shame you might feel.

If you’re struggling to deal with this, sex therapy can be one useful method for processing these feelings. If sexual fantasies related to pain or humiliation are causing psychological, emotional, or relationship distress, it may be helpful to seek professional help.

CNC and survivors of sexual trauma

While this may seem illogical, some survivors of sexual trauma enjoy engaging with CNC, though this doesn’t necessarily indicate any correlation with the traumatic event(s) they experienced.

One study found that survivors of sexual trauma may engage in BDSM activities like CNC as a way to reconnect with their bodies in a sexual way as well as to reclaim power in their bodies:

Although it can be therapeutic in many ways, CNC is not therapy and is not a replacement for therapy with a licensed therapist.