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Gather round young queers, gays and theys...

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Gather round young queers, gays and theys...

We talked to 3 community members from all over the land about their best STI and testing stories and compiled them into 3 fairy tales below.

**All names and identifying factors have been changed.


The Giant and the Prick The Penis and the Panic Attack The Sound of Swab-song

The Giant and the Prick

Once upon Ye Big Gay Out, there was a gentle giant named Kyle. Standing tall at 6’ 3, he was known for his bravery and courage – alas, the giant harboured a secret fear: the sight of his own blood.

While having a merry old time at the flamboyant festival, his eyes locked onto The Rapid HIV Testing Tent. Emboldened by queer spirit and the encouragement of his friends, he entered the tent.

Inside, an old hag welcomed Kyle to a stone plinth, introducing herself as the Mage Tester. Kyle closed his eyes, and offered his index finger to her. He felt a small prick. But something went wrong.

The giant's blood had clotted. 🤔 So, they tried again.

Once, twice, thrice - the Mage Tester tried three different fingers - but each time, it had clotted before a sample could be collected.

They took a brief break while the witch scurried away to find some more vials. The giant looked down and, in horror, he watched as a small drop of blood quickly curled its way down his hand.

Then, all he saw was black. The giant had passed out! 😴

The old witch shook Kyle awake; terrified that her magic had been too powerful for the gentle giant. A kind healer peered through the tent and offered Kyle the sweet balm of a lollipop and water.

They tried a fourth and final time. And, as if by magic or perhaps the goodwill of the festival, this time the blood flowed true. The giant rested, the world once more steady beneath his feet.

🕑 After twenty minutes, the old hag, now a dear good Judy - allowed Kyle to leave and join the festivities outside. ‘Hurrah!’ Kyle’s friends exclaimed, as they all frolicked gaily out of the tent.

Many moons later, Kyle would retell the story and reflect on the courage and perseverance that he developed from the experience. From that day, he vowed to always face his fears for the sake of his sexual health and well-being - a true fairy tale ending. 🌈

The Penis and the Panic Attack

In a small village, on the outskirts of Deepest Greenlane Forest, there lived Digory - a seasoned warrior. Having battled many anxiety dragons in the past, he was known for his strength and resilience in the face of adversity.

One day, our hero discovered a peculiar, unwelcome sensation in their nether-regions. Digory knew all too well what the cause of this strange spell was - it was the kiss of a gonorrhoea goblin. To ease the effects of the stinging kiss, Digory needed to seek out a wise healer.

And, they found one, after journeying to the famous apothecary of Greenlane, a healer known for their sexual health arts and potions. With a heavy heart, Digory confided in the healer, Lady Elyra, who listened with compassion. She agreed to help.

To start the healing process, Lady Elyra would need to swab Digory's ‘sword’. ⚔️

To start the healing process, Lady Elyra would need to swab Digory's ‘sword’.

But, once the kind healer had revealed the long cotton swab - Digory became distressed. The sight of the cotton swab took him back to the memories of their battles with their anxiety dragons of their past.

😭 Flashbacks of past battles, swordfights, and encounters with dragons of different breeds and sizes flooded his mind.

Rationally, he knew he was safe in the hands of this apothecary. But, a true warrior, he couldn’t shake the alarm that he felt. Panic was setting in.

But, with wisdom and grace, Lady Elyra helped calm Digory back to peace. She reminded him that he was safe, in a no-judgement space, and that, as quickly as the shake of a centaur's tail, he would be back at his home in the forest. Slowly, his breath mellowed down, and he accepted the swab.

In the end, much like the journey of the swab inside them, Digory had made it through the dark and out the other side. He learned that even in moments of vulnerability and hurt swords there are kind healers out there who can help. 💖

The Sound of Swab-song 🐦

Our story begins in the quaint village of Whimsyshire where a local Robin had planned to do their regular sexual health testing. They ventured into the local testing tavern, where they were greeted by name, for they were a familiar face; as merry as they were health-conscious.

While in the restroom, the Robin conducted their ritual of health—a 'self-swab', as the townsfolk called it.

⚡️ But fate, with a mischievous twinkle, led their hand awry.

With a precision that would impress the finest archer, the Robin managed an accidental feat: they sounded themselves!

"'Tis not thy baby chute! Tis thy urethra! O, it shan't be!," cried out the Robin in birdsong, "By the stars and moon, what sorcery is this?," reeling from the sting of their unintended accuracy.

The Robin had never been sounded before, nor did they expect their first time to be today. Alas, they tried again, this time, correcting the course and properly aiming the swab inside their vagina.

For days later, the Robin's thoughts whirled like leaves in an autumn gust. Had they unlocked a hidden talent, or was this a sign to tread more carefully? Laughter became their only solace, as they dealt with the unexpected sounding experience alone.

But then, in a Shakespearean twist - the Robin's beloved sent them a message, revealing that they too had mirrored the Robin's accidental archery - they had also sounded themselves.

"What trickery befalls us?" the Robin thought, laughing heartily with their beloved.

So, let this be a lesson: when aiming for health, be gentle and sure, and maybe—just maybe—aim a little more to the rear. For in Whimsyshire, even the most delicate of tasks can become a story to warm the heart and spark a smile, especially when shared with someone dear. 💕


What is 'Sounding'?

The practice of inserting objects (usually rods) into the urethra for sexual pleasure. This can be done with either a vulva or a penis.

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