Introduction

Sexuality doesn’t always fit neatly into the boxes people expect, and for many in our community, labels like bisexual, pansexual, or queer are less about strict definitions and more about describing fluid, shifting experiences of attraction. We spoke with four bi, pan, and queer people about how they understand their identities, how those identities show up in their relationships, and what it’s like navigating a world that still makes a lot of assumptions. Their stories remind us that sexuality isn’t fixed, binary, or universal - it’s personal, evolving, and often beautifully complex.

Our amazing community contributors:

• Brid (she/her)
• Katie (she/her)
• Melissa (she/her)
• Sam Morgs (she/her)

Defining it for yourself

How do you personally define bisexuality, pansexuality, or another label you use (or don’t use)?

• Brid: I define bisexuality as sexual attraction to people of both the same gender as me, and different genders. I first came out as bisexual fifteen years ago, and I still use the label today. Whilst my sexual attraction fits best under the label of “bisexual”, I would describe my romantic leanings as more sapphic or lesbian in nature. Whether a man is cisgender or transgender, I may enjoy sex with him, but I’m not likely to form a crush or fall in love. Aside from that, I’m romantically open to all genders, with a strong lean towards women and/or feminine-leaning people. Another label I use is “queer”, which for me is a nice umbrella term that leaves a lot of room for nuance. I am also polyamorous, although I think of that less as an identity, and more as a lifestyle choice that makes me and my partners happy.

• Melissa: I kinda see them as interchangeable, and switch between the terms depending on who I’m talking to. If I sense someone is less au fait with queerness and sexuality, I’ll usually use ‘bi’ for ease, and especially if I’m not in an “educating” mood. I’m just attracted to the person, so to me, pansexuality covers all the bases and is probably the label which best defines me - but bisexuality seems more palatable or easier for people to digest in everyday life. I quite often use queer too, because it seems another catch-all term for my general state of being, rather than having to define who/what I’m physically or emotionally attracted to at that moment. 

• Sam: I define bisexuality as an attraction to male and female, whereas as pansexuality i define as an attraction to multiple genders. eg: cis, trans, non-binary.

How does your definition differ from what most people think it means?

• Brid: The most common misunderstanding I encounter is people thinking that “bisexual” means “attracted only to men and women, not to any other genders”. Most people know from school that “bi” means “two”, so it’s an easy mistake to make. Actually, neither the etymology, conception nor history of the word “bisexual” supports the “men and women” assumption. The “two” referred to is 1) the same gender as you, and 2) other genders than your own, and the term was coined to provide something more expansive than “homo” and “hetero”.

• Katie: People have definitely called me wrong for my definition, often saying that I fit into more of a pansexual identity. This confuses me because I believe it to be more of a spectrum, and I know that people on this spectrum may have different feelings about being bisexual than I do, while also being bisexuals or pansexuals themselves. I just feel the "bi" part is less about it being a man and a woman, and more about the way that my sexuality shifts. Some days I feel more attracted to masculinity or femininity (or both) - so I'm definitely not unnattracted to trans, non-binary and gender fluid people

• Sam: Some people recognize bisexual and pansexual as the same. When I first came out (11 years old 2016), I had never heard of pansexual. When I eventually did learn about pansexuality, I was very rigid in my definition of it and labeled myself as pansexual. I am pansexual but find myself using bisexual to avoid explaining what pansexual is so often, and that has, in turn, changed my vocabulary i use when defining myself and has become much more flexible.

Have your definitions changed over time?

• Brid: When I was fourteen or so and trying to figure out how to describe my attractions, I thought that men and women were the only genders, and so I was under the impression that “bisexual” meant “attracted to men and women”. Thankfully I learned better pretty quickly. It also took me some time to understand the distinction between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. I identified first as bisexual, and then as a sapphic or lesbian later on.

• Katie: Yeah for sure! I admit with my upbringing, the stigma and denial around bisexuality in both straight and queer communities, and how I have had rather successful cishet relationships, it took me a long time to fully grasp what my sexuality was for me. Initially it seemed "easier" to stick with cis relationships, particularly when I was younger and in denial big time. But with time and exploration, I realised it's not restrictive to gender for me. I'm also very very happy in a relationship with my partner, who is proudly non-binary, and they attract me every day

• Melissa: I grew up in quite a small, conservative town, with only really the media to inform my understanding of what it meant to be bisexual. I didn’t know pansexual was a thing at all. I convinced myself I was just a staunch ally until I was about 30, because I hadn’t been in a serious relationship with a woman. It took me a couple more years to realise I was pan. I thought for a long time you couldn’t call yourself “the thing” unless you had been in a “proper” relationship - now I understand that’s not the case. So my definitions have probably become more relaxed over time. 

Living it

How do these identities show up in your dating or sexual experiences?

• Brid: As a sex worker, I have two sex and dating lives: Personal, and professional. In my personal dating life, I seek out women and non-binary/agender partners. … In my professional sex life, I mostly have experiences with cisgender men and cisgender M/F couples. Being bisexual but not romantically attracted to men makes my job a great fit — I genuinely enjoy flirting and sexual experiences with men, but romance is off the table, which removes a lot of the complications and boundary confusion I might otherwise experience. I’m a big romantic, so it’s lucky for me that I have this quirk.

• Katie: I've definitely experienced bisexual erasure before - after having long, cis het relationships (as I am a cis woman) I've been told to 'prove it' in the past, I've been told that if I haven't slept with a cis woman then I'm not 'truly' bisexual, and even within the community itself I've been told I might as well come out as a lesbian as 'it's inevitable'. It's hard because a lot of people are hesitant around me due to their own biases, regardless of their gender, and some have judged me for my past experiences. Although in saying that, some people have been fantastic to meet, and treat me with respect! Understandably, those with more fluid sexualities and gender identities seem a bit more accepting of me at face value, from my experience

• Melissa: When I was married to a man, almost all of the porn I watched was women on women (though I didn’t really know ethical porn was a thing then - so it was still very ‘male gazey’) and all of my sex dreams were about women. I found it difficult to be with him physically a lot of the time because I felt so much shame and guilt around my actual desires. I had fully intended on pursuing a relationship with a woman when I ended that marriage, but met like, a pretty great guy soon after. He’s been very cool about being open to me exploring the bi/pan side without it affecting our relationship, as long as we communicate properly … We both have an understanding that me exploring is about me having space to connect more with that part of me, not something centred around him getting threesomes or whatever.

• Sam: I am a cisgender pan/bi female. I have noticed people treat me differently depending on who im dating. I have both been calling homophobic slurs but have also been asked why im invading queer spaces.

Have you noticed differences in how people react to the label you use?

• Brid: I find when I receive discrimination outside of the rainbow community, it is often very classically homophobic, rather than being bi-specific. Despite stigmatisation from the queer community for being “too straight”, the reality is that straight people definitely do not see us as one of them.

• Katie: Of course. For the older generation I think bisexuality or pansexuality are harder concepts to grasp than being a gay or straight person. … within my own zoomer generation, the most common reaction is either "Ohh so both men and women? Nice" or "Ahh most people are bi" which can be such write-off comments, even though they at least accept the concept more!

• Melissa: Oh absolutely - pansexuality is usually met with confusion or an eyeroll (outside of queer circles), whereas bisexuality is seen as palatable and even desirable (particularly with het men). Again, cliche, but I think bisexuality still conjures imagery of promiscuity, the thought of the bi part “being a phase” which can be corrected or “won over” by a penis. With guys particularly, it feels like more of a challenge or fetish for them, I think. Pansexuality seems to conjure imagery of being “woke” or “trendy” with certain demographics, and is taken less seriously in different ways. This could just be because of my age though (I’m 38), as I hear my partner’s tween kid and their friends talk about bisexuality and pansexuality like it’s the default setting, and like it’s almost more strange to have “committed” to heterosexuality at such a young age! Some people (usually older) still panic when I say ‘queer’ because they feel like it’s a ‘naughty’ word. 

• Sam:  I find people will treat me differently if I say im bisexual vs queer. I am more accepted in queer spaces if I use the queer label instead of bi or pan.

How does being bi/pan/queer intersect with other parts of who you are (gender, culture, neurodivergence, etc)?

• Katie: As a person with diagnosed combined ADHD, My lack of decisiveness and my tick tick tick brain made it very hard to figure my sexuality over the years! I was in denial for such a long time because I thought that was easier for everyone that way, and the confused yearning was strong, along with the few short, quiet yet memorable relationships (lol). I'm so thankful for my friends, many of whom being in the LGBTQIA+ community, for clocking me from the start but having the patience to support me and help me figure it out when I was ready

• Melissa: I’m a feminist, but I’ve become more staunch about my feminism as I’ve explored and understood my sexuality - because a lot of the issues around bi/pan/queerness stem from misogyny (i.e. it being a performance for men, or a jackpot for some guys to have a bi partner because they’ll have threesomes on tap etc.). The number of men who have told me they could “fix” or convert me over the years is astounding (though again, I’m aware that’s not news for other bi/pan women). Some people assume I’m more into women now because I had a terrible marriage to a terrible man - so to them it’s all about the male impact on my preferences, rather than me just being who I am.

Belonging and visibility

Do you feel seen and understood within queer spaces?

• Brid: It depends on which queer spaces. Queer community is not a monolith, and I’ve had hugely varied experiences when it comes to acceptance. I tend to get the most grief from lesbians, and to a lesser extent, gay men. There are absolutely parties and events I won’t go to, queer sports teams I won’t join, because I have had bad experiences with them or have been warned of by other bi/pan/queer friends. My wife isn’t a man, but because they have a beard, I am often assumed by strangers to be in a monogamous marriage with a straight man. I’ve been told by others within queer spaces that my marriage is just a phase before I pick a cis woman, OR that my marriage means I’ve “picked a side”, or not to bring my partner to community events.

• Katie: Yes and no! There's absolutely a lot of work to be done, and the bi erasure is still prevalent. However I think I'm leaning more on yes - as I notice over time fluidity is more accepted, as well as those still unsure and happy to be labelled as just queer. It can be a very real, difficult process to come out as bi, just like any other sexual identity, or gender identity. I still haven't explicitly come out to my parents yet, for instance - and haven't yet decided if I will.

• Melissa: I think especially after the RuPaul’s Drag Race-ification of queer spaces, where there were a lot more heterosexual woman in queer spaces finger snapping and slaying the house down boots, it took me a long time to feel like I wasn’t an interloper or a voyeur. The flipside is, if I’m in a queer space with my male partner, I feel like I can’t really touch him or dance with him in the way I normally would, lest I look like a fake. I guess a lot of that is my own hang up, though. It’s a complicated journey, what can I say? 

How do you navigate assumptions people make about your sexuality?

• Brid: When I get it right it’s usually by having confidence in myself and my experience, whilst also giving other people grace to be wrong. Sometimes it’s absolutely worth standing up or pushing back; other times, it’s ok just to shrug and dismiss someone’s behaviour or opinion as not worth the time to correct; or sometimes gentle education is the best option.

• Melissa: I purposefully use partner and non-gendered language when I talk to people (particularly strangers) about my relationship. I like to encourage people to ask rather than make assumptions, and am sometimes purposefully vague to force the dialogue … I have a really great group of friends at the local rural pub who (I think it is fair to say) would not traditionally be the most enlightened about gender and sexuality discourse. We have a really good way of communicating, where they can ask me anything without judgment, and I will answer honestly and challenge them (kindly) when they’re making assumptions or straying into ignorant territory. It’s about context, so if it’s not from a place of harm I’ll always try to correct or challenge without making them feel told off … They’ve actually become some of the fiercest allies I know, and they have (whether consciously or not) changed their language around gender and sexuality quite significantly. If someone is an asshole about it, I’ll get a lot more feral, though.

• Sam: I am often assumed straight even in queer spaces. I was once out clubbing with my boyfriend, his sister, and a gay friend of ours. we got talking to another group who assumed we were a lesbian couple and a gay couple. when I explained the relationships, I was hit with "awwwww the straits." I just correct people when that assumption is made. The group we were talking to apologized and recognized bi-erasure.

Beyond labels

Do you ever feel like the labels don’t fully fit?

• Brid: Of course, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Labels are just tools to quickly describe things to each other, so I don’t think any single one will fit perfectly without further elaboration. I’m a big believer in using as many labels as you honestly feel apply to you, rather than having to box yourself in with just one. For example, although some people find this controversial, I describe myself as a bisexual lesbian. “Bisexual" in the sense that I’m sexually attracted to men and have sex with men; and “lesbian” in the sense that am a woman who I only has romantic feelings for other women and agender/non-binary people, and who doesn’t seek out romantic relationships with men in her personal life. Labels don’t have to cancel each other out.

• Katie: In the past I did - originally being in denial and being straight for a long time, then questioning myself as a lesbian in the shadows (feeling like an imposter that I was still attracted to masculine people), then realising it's more fluid than that, but thinking that I'm so fluid that I must be a pansexual. But that label just didn't feel right to me. Bisexuality feels truly right for how I feel in general about my attraction for people

• Sam: I experience attraction fluidity and openly. I find the people I am attracted to often display both masculine and feminine looks and traits. Something about the fluidity of gender expression i find truly beautiful. Labels dont actually matter to me too much. I feel I am free to be with anyone without judgment.

What word (or feeling, or moment) captures your sexuality best - even if it isn’t a label?

• Brid: Joy

• Katie: Waves

• Melissa: Fluid, I guess. I constantly fluctuate between being more attracted to men or women or non-binary people, and that’s usually reflected in porn I watch or what I get off to outside of the sexual relationship with my male partner. 

Conclusion

What comes through in all these responses is a shared truth: labels can be useful, but they never fully contain the depth of someone’s lived experience. Whether people land on “bi,” “pan,” “queer,” or something else entirely, the heart of it is connection — to themselves, to the people they love, and to communities where fluidity isn’t just tolerated, but celebrated. As our audiences and communities grow, it’s crucial that we make space for these varied experiences, recognising that attraction doesn’t follow rigid rules and that every person has the right to define (or undefine) themselves on their own terms.

Ngā mihi to our beautiful and generous community contributors who provided input into this blog.