C/W: The topic of consensual non-consent can be triggering for some people. If this is uncomfortable for you, please look after yourself and stop reading at any point.

When I was 18, I volunteered to hand out condoms at the New Zealand Fetish Ball. At that point in my life, I could barely count all the fetishes I knew about on one hand, so in hindsight, I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into.

At first it was really fun, seeing everyone in these cool costumes and outfits, making small talk, and tiptoeing into the dark room to refill the condom jar. Then, at one point in the evening, there were some roaming performances, and things went from 0 (well, 50) to 100 real quick.

Before I knew it, I was watching a live performance of The Lord Of The Rings, but in this rendition, Frodo was being held hostage by Gandalf and Aragorn. It all felt quite strange - but exciting. And then Gandalf heated up a cattle prod live on stage and branded Frodo with it as he struggled.

As I was writing this blog, I realized that this was my first experience of consensual non-consent (CNC), albeit staged and as a bystander. For many years I’ve recounted this story to people, wide-eyed and dramatic, feigning shock in hushed, disbelieving tones. How crazy! How could anyone be into that!? And now I feel terrible about it, because all that did was perpetuate this idea that there was something wrong with what they were doing.

I know better now. I assumed that what they were doing wasn’t normal – but the important question to ask isn’t if a kink is ‘normal,’ but rather, is it being executed or acted upon healthily and responsibly? Now, only the performers at the Fetish Ball can answer that for certain. But the point is to be curious rather than label something as ‘abnormal’ without seeking to understand.

So, with this in mind, I delved into the world of CNC – whether it’s something you’re actively involved in or interested in, or if you’re just wanting more information, I hope it’s useful.

What CNC is

You’ll see a lot of very different definitions for CNC in the wild west of the internet, so I’ve done the research for you and cobbled together my preferred definition:

It may also be known as ravishment, where (usually) one person is ravished by one or more ‘ravishers’. It’s also more common than you’d think; in “Tell Me What You Want” (K. J. Lehmiller, 2020), 54% of cisgender men and 68% of nonbinary folk reported having a CNC fantasy.

What CNC isn’t

A bit of rough and tumble:

CNC is typically more than just a bit of brattish behaviour, or if you want your partner to be a bit rough with you. CNC requires the situation and boundaries to be set in advance – however, learning how to engage with CNC safely can help you do so in non-CNC situations, so you don’t find yourself in a position where you’re unable to stop things in the moment.

Rape:

This is a common misconception - the key word here is ‘consensual’.

Rape play:

CNC is often conflated with ‘rape play’. However, scenes that simulate forced sex is only one aspect of CNC; CNC may encompass other types of situations beyond rape, and may also include non-sexual activities, particularly for those in longer-term or full-term Dom/sub relationships.

For people who engage in CNC, the eroticism is not always about being forced to have sex - it encompasses a much broader range of scenarios.

Sexual sadism disorder (or any other type of disorder):

CNC is different from things like sexual sadism disorder because of its consensual and safe nature, whereas the behavior inflicted by someone with sexual sadism disorder (among others) causes harm and distress to the sub(s).

Safe words and gestures

I found one source (which I won’t cite) that said, “with CNC, you’ve previously consented to the idea of scenes that you don’t expressly consent to.” This could imply that the sub doesn’t have any power to stop what is happening due to prior consent being given.

Saying anything like this without context around the establishment and agreement of rules and conditions that are designed to keep both parties safe is irresponsible. Rules and conditions may include safe words, or physical gestures that also indicate that you’d like to stop things. These are useful in any sexual context, not just with CNC.

Why are people into it?

Well, that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? The short answer is that it’s impossible to say for sure. But there are a few non-exhaustive possibilities:

• Primal sex: When done right, CNC can allow people to explore their more primal side, which they may otherwise feel during sex (in any role) but decide to hold back.
• You get to give up control: One person I spoke to said “I feel increasingly thrilled with the action of being ‘forced’ to submit seemingly against my will and playing into the role of the resistant victim. To be broken* and corralled to submit, to be captive in a scenario, is at the heart of my most exciting kinks.”
• It helps to build trust: CNC requires a lot of trust between participants, so engaging with it safely can help to further strengthen this bond.
• Working through trauma: Some people who engage in CNC specifically do so to work through past sexual trauma.

* Not necessarily physically.

I also talked to someone who said they want to feel like a “dangerous, cruel, and violent rapist, and [his] partners want to feel helpless, afraid, unsafe and violated.” It was important to him that both parties consented, with strict boundaries in place; having his partners want to feel like this is a key part of the conditions, and if they decide they no longer want to feel like this, it triggers an end to their play.

Clearly, there are a wide range of perspectives (like this) on the topic, and this blog isn’t aiming to say ‘do this’ or ‘don’t do that’ but rather ensure that you can make informed decisions about your own sex life.

It’s important to note here that, while CNC can absolutely be done right, it’s also easy to abuse CNC, and some people are not in it for the right reasons. CNC should never be used as an excuse to actually abuse someone. People who engage in CNC should be very aware of factors that can affect the dynamics between people in sex, including race, gender identity, gender expression, and physical size and mobility. A power imbalance within a relationship doesn’t mean it can’t be healthy can be consensual, but in order for it to be so, the question of how social power affects your dynamic needs to be addressed explicitly and honestly.

Examples of CNC:

Sometimes things are clearer in context. Here are some common CNC scenes that you may have seen or heard of – or maybe you’ve even played one of them out yourself without realizing it was CNC!

• Rape fantasy: Where one individual is role-playing raping another individual.
• Classic role playing: Such as officer and citizen, burglar and homeowner, kidnapping, waking up sleeping beauty, boss and employee, doctor and patient, mugger and walker etc. Role playing itself isn’t CNC though – the scenes should still involve an element of non-consent to be considered CNC.
• Somnophilia: A scenario in which one person is sleeping or unconscious while the other person performs a sexual act with them. Whether they are legitimately incapacitated or whether they’re pretending should be discussed and agreed by all parties – remember, if someone is actually asleep or unconscious, they can’t withdraw consent, and being put into an unconscious state has significant physical risks.
• Hypnosis: A person is hypnotised and used for erotic purposes (same risks as above, if a person is actually hypnotized, which I’m not even sure is actually possible, but who knows…)
• Rejected affections: Getting revenge after being spurned.
• Alien abduction: I think you get the idea…

Want to know more?

If this little intro into the world of CNC has whet your appetite and you want to delve deeper, you can also read our ultimate guide to engaging with CNC. This goes into more detail about the physiological impacts of CNC play, how to do it safely, rules and guidelines, and (another content warning) it also discusses sexual trauma in the context of CNC, so read at your own discretion.

But even if CNC isn’t for you, hopefully this blog has given you a bit of insight into steps that you can take to make sure that any rough sex that you do engage with is done safely and with consent throughout the entire process.